The concept of the Twitter bio is a simple one: describe yourself in 160 characters or less. However, simple minded folks may not be able to properly craft a bio worthy of Twitter. There are many wrong ways to write twitter bios, but there are few ways to correctly create one. My bio was deemed perfect by cunning linguist John Douglass, and I want to help you craft your own perfect Twitter bio with these five tips.

 

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The PERFECT Twitter Bio.

 

  1. The Twitter Bio is a Representation of your Personality

 

As designed, the Twitter bio is supposed to showcase your personality and help friends (And maybe potential love interests) distinguish who you are from the crowd of other gray blobs who endlessly circulate social media. Your bio must describe who you are.

I’ll walk you through one using a bad twitter bio I found while scavenging the deep web:

 

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Truly an awful bio. As a world renowned bio expert, I am disgusted. Not only is it in a list form, but his use of English makes him sound like an unencumbered saxicolous canine. The paternal instincts within my anatomy want to help this lost soul, and so I shall.

 

I see that this ape tried to distinguish himself from the patriarchy by stating what he likes. But it shows no creativity or human innovation. The Brer Bear animatronic from Splash Mountain could have written something more creative.

 

To fix this bio, one must create a quintain. This must be done by separating the objects this thing likes into five lines, and creating a poem from that.

 

DANDELIONS

URUGUAY

SOCKS

NUTMEG

ERIN

 

Now we must be creative, something the owner of the bio is obviously oblivious to. At least some of the bio must rhyme, because as the reincarnation of Shakespeare, it is against my moral code not to rhyme.

 

After being creative, I came up with this:

 

DANDELIONS GIVE ME LIFE

URUGUAY IS NEVER ICY

SOCKS ARE WHERE I HIDE MY KNIFE

NUTMEG IS SPICY

ERIN IS MY WIFE

 

Finally, the order of these lines must be rearranged. After that, this is the final bio:

 

Screen Shot 2017-07-02 at 7.29.25 PM

 

Much better.

 

 

  1. Do the Opposite of What They Expect

 

The perfect twitter bio must be unpredictable. People who stumble across your profile need to think they know it’s you, but they can’t be sure. This is considered attractive to most humans, as they get to be Sherlock Holmes and snoop through your profile, boosting your engagement rate.

 

To explain this one, I’m going to fix another bio:

 

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Obviously this person enjoys music. But they aren’t being intelligent and following this tip. Let’s fix it:

 

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There. It’s fixed. And another great twitter bio.

 

 

  1. NO LISTS OR QUOTES

 

Don’t make lists. No one cares that you can make a top ten video with a similar quality to WatchMojo.

 

Quotes make sure you’re a boring white girl. You may as well have Starbucks as your avatar and a Corgi as your banner. Your bio is a cynosure; you don’t want to have someone else’s quote be the first thing a guest sees

 

 

  1. Keep it Short

 

Just because Twitter gives you 160 characters doesn’t mean you have to sue them. Using less won’t kill you. On top of preventing it from boring a potential fan, it will make it seem like you can excogitate your words and make you appear more intelligent. To explain this, I will use this horrible bio from this horrible twitter account:

 

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I don’t know how someone could be so vacuous. The bio doesn’t need to be a story; it needs to explain who you are. Fixing this is easy: just summarize, you mindless fool.

 

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That was easy.

 

 

  1. Bash an Imaginary Country by Stating the Obvious

 

The final tip is by far the most important: state the obvious about an imaginary country that has millions of people fooled: Canada isn’t real. North of the US Border is the Northern Ocean, home to ½ of the penguin population. The reptile government has fooled the masses, convincing the public that land exists north of the US Border and south of Alaska. No one has ever offered proof of its’ existence, yet people still believe it exists. I find it appalling, and so do other cunning linguists like John Douglass. The perfect twitter bio must state that Canada is not real.

 

Here are some examples of bad bios, and how they need to be fixed:

 

Originals:

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Fixed Versions:

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If you follow these five tips (Tips 1-4 are optional), you will have crafted the perfect bio. I’m glad I could do my part and help you step out of the cave and into the sunlight of knowledge.  Be sure to like, comment, subscribe, sell your soul, and turn on notifications. I need my Ad$ense*

 

*I don’t get paid to write on this blog.